I carried the guilt of being a rude granddaughter; I was basically raised by my grandparents well my grandfather almost, he passed away about 7 years ago.I still remember that day, its a school day I was in the 7thgrade I woke up about to take a shower and I hear my mother sobbing perhaps, I knew. After that is a blur, I m on the school bus crying my friend next to me, without any question. I appreciated that. I got school and I walked around and around and around waiting for the class to start, then I decided to tell my friends and of course that lifted a little weight. I dont even remeber if my mother said anything when I got home that day and neither did I wanted to ask questions, all i know is that his suffering is now done and he is with my grandmother now; she waited 15 years for him.
I still carry and always will, carry the fact I have hurt his feelings. My grandfather was very healthy man, he still rode his bike at 70+, then reality sets in; I just remmber my aunt saying he vomitted blood and I remember goin to the hospital, but I was a still a polite granddaughter when that happened. I dont remember and neither will want to, but next thing I know his speech is slurred and his feet are swollen and hes just sitting on this beige chair that has a big backrest; I honestly dont recall after I saw him like that. Rude, after church (like we have done from who knows when ) we would go to my grandparent's home and say hello, after his stroke, we still go but as i hug my grandfather I just cannot wait to go home. Most of the time he would speak and I thought the sound of his slurred words were so horrible. There are times I wished goin to their home was not something we have been accustomed to. Everytime he spoke with his slurred words I wanted leave. I did not understand why I acted or felt that way, not until I was a sophomore in highschool and enrolled in psychology class; we had to write an essay onm how psychology has somehow help you figure with life( well it was something like that.) Thats when I realized what it was, "denial." I was denying the fact he was sick, I was denying the fact he cannot anymore ride his bike because of that stroke; the stroke took my grandfather, the one I know.
I am sorry about your grandfather, hope your doing okay. I know how you feel my grandma just had three strokes and when i visit her,i just want to leave. The day before my grandfather passing away we got into a big argument, i regret it because when i think about my grandfather i just think about the last thing i said to him. we never really cherish something in till we lose it
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear what happen, I never got to meet my grandfather he died a year before I was born.
ReplyDeleteBut my grandmother is still alive and she is going to be 80 and hope that she lives alot more years longer. I cherish what the fact we talk and visit each other often, I was raised to alwalys respect my elders even when we fight.
I want the last thing my grandmother to remeber me by is all on a good note. Life is to short for all the fighting/arguments. But its never to late to say your sorry.
Im sorry to hear about your grandfather..If I was you I would let the past go your Grandpan knew you loved him and isnt going to hold a grudge against you because the last weeks of his life. I dont have any more grandparents they all passed away and I really ever got to meet one (My Grandma) she was very nice lady (she died on Christmas) which is weird because she was very religious..
ReplyDelete